TIME FOR MY ANNUAL INTROSPECTION

I don't know what it is about me (well yes I do - I am an ENFP on the Myers Briggs) but I analyze my life to death and am particularly prone to using the beginning and ending of each year as a time for assessment. So here we are in November - dear lord where did the time go I just got used to writing 2005 on my checks - so it's time for me to have my annual introspection.

Well, as years go, this one was uber-crazy. Began with big plans to move to Lexington, transition to part time at work, have more regular devotional life, with dreams for women's ministry and getting the boys involved in community stuff helping the poor. Hmm. Well, as long as you use baseball batting averages, I'm not doing too badly. I'm at least at 300 as far as goals go - we did move, I am working part time in a more sane job. But somehow I can't help feeling disappointed that moving and the job transition took so much of my time and energy this year.

One surprising step forward this year is that I have had a more regular prayer life than I have had in years (Scripture reading could be much better). Big confession here - I am a pastor's wife and Christian of 30 years and I have never had a regular prayer life except during one year of college. I am a big doer and it is really hard for me to sit still to pray. (Those of you who know me, this will come as no great surprise.) So, prayer comes really hard to me. I get distracted so easily, I start tidying up even when I am supposed to be focused on praying, I compose my to do list for the day rather than listening to God...I have the stamina in prayer of a toddler- and you know how long their attention spans are.

At the beginning of this year, I asked God to help me do some some baby steps at prayer. I would set aside my morning commute to recite the 5 major prayers from the morning office in the Book of Common Prayer and add my own intercessions to those. Now, this may not sound like a big accomplishment, but for me it has been really huge. I don't know how I would have stayed sane without this time given all that we went through this year. There were some days I nearly cried all the way to work as I prayed.

Now the key is to hold on to the good work God has started in me and let him build on it. LIfe is less crazy now so I can already feel the urgency I had for prayer slipping. So, I am trying to get up earlier (5:15 instead of 5:45 Ugh) and add reading a few Psalms to my prayer time. Please pray for me to keep at it.

As I look at the last few years of my life, I realize, too, that I have reached the end of the my rope as a Christian. Now I don't mean that I am ready to chuck the faith or anything. What I mean is that I sense I am no longer able to make progress on the journey in my own power. This may seem a strange statement because of course who can make progress without God's help? Well, actually I think there are a whole lot of people in churches doing good deeds, reading their Bibles and praying and busybusybusy as can be but it is almost entirely fueled by habit, designs on self-improvement, and the exhaust of revivals and vows made long ago, with maybe a veneer of morality glossing over everything.

Well, I truly believe I have come to the end of my ability to improve myself. I have four children who everyday test my patience and I fail more times than not to live up to my own standards of what a superior parent should be let alone God's. I get angry when I encounter stupid people in the world. There are only so many hours in the day and I have more to do than can reasonably be done, but I lack the wisdom to choose among all the "good" things and know what is really God's calling for me. I know people with crushing problems and I can no longer fool myself that easy three-step Christian answers will do the trick anymore. I want to be the kind of person who can help transform the lives of those who are hurting around me, but I am so stuck on my own issues that I don't have time or energy to be that kind of person. I certainly don't have all the answers like I once thought I did.

But I believe that God can change me. But it doesn't come through a one-time prayer or commitment to be better; it will not happen overnight. What the ancient theologians and saints have said is that inner transformation occurs through the long-term practice of the spiritual disciplines of community worship, prayer, Scripture, fasting, giving to the poor, silence and reflection. None of this unfortunately is in sync with my preferences to follow Tony Robbins or Suze Orman's 10 step plan for financial freedom and happiness. Spiritual disciplines are just way more hard work than self-improvement schemes.

But I am trying to make baby steps and not lose patience. I can tell that after almost a year my prayer stamina is better. But it is a little like someone who has recently taken up exercise being happy they can now walk up the stairs without being winded when the goal is to be able to run a 5K. You've got a long way to go, baby.

Well, so much for my annual introspection. Hopefully this time next year, I will have even better news to report. I'll keep you posted.