WHAT TO CURB, CHANGE, OR JUST COMPREHEND AND MOVE ON – THAT IS THE QUESTION.

Every parent who has played more than once the genetic crap game that we also refer to as mating and multiplying knows what wildly different results come each time we throw the die. Although each child in a family comes from the same delimited gene pool, nevertheless each child turns out to be so fundamentally different from one another.

Take my four kids – two boys, two girls. I have four archetypes in my household: Boy #1 – sensitive introvert yet sports nut; Boy #2 – extroverted high energy ham; Girl #3 – social butterfly and uber girly-girl; Girl #4 – go along and get along happy go lucky (although she is really too young to know for sure). While there are similarities across these four individuals, the variety of outcomes in our little Mendelian crap shoot is amazing. From how they fall asleep, to how and they eat, to what they like to do, to how they respond when they are angry or upset, to what comforts them – the answers to these questions differ for each one.

Case in point: getting the two boys to go to sleep took radically different strategies. Untrue to type, Boy #1 is actually the one you had to hold down and make him be still long enough to go to sleep, and with whom we had to “cry it out”. Boy #2 was as easy as pie to get to go to sleep – still is – just pat his back a little and off he goes in a matter of minutes. And in these patterns you see the outlines of what will likely be their adult behavior: Boy #1 will likely be late night insomniac take long time to fall asleep guy (like his dad); Boy #2 will be go to bed earlier fall asleep in matter of minutes, wake up the same way guy (more like his mother).

And this is just one example. With each passing year and each additional child, I observe how nature often triumphs over nurture.

So, this variety of differences also leads to a fundamental question about parenting, and it is this: What behaviors do I as a parent attempt to merely curb, which ones must I absolutely change, and which ones do I simply comprehend as being fundamental to this little person, accept and move on? As the “primary socialization agent” of four young homo sapiens sapiens, I take this challenge very seriously. If I get it wrong, I can ruin someone’s life and end up possibly having to pay for a lot of therapy bills - for myself and my children.

So while I struggle daily with this question and currently am dealing with a several instances of puzzling, frustrating behavior in my children that has me stymied, here is my big picture view of how I deal with this question. I think of behaviors as falling into one or more of several categories:
- morally right or wrong,
- socially un/acceptable,
- healthy or unhealthy/harmful to self or others,
- appropriate use/destructive of property
- personally annoying/inconveniencing or gratifying/pleasing.

There may be more categories but these are the main ones for me. Now the behaviors that my children exhibit that fall easily across all categories – for instance, hitting other children – clearly morally wrong, socially unacceptable, harmful to others, inappropriate use of hands and annoying to me and other parents – are easy to figure out. Final answer: must absolutely change this behavior, no question about it. Yet, although this is a slam dunk and we have instituted the most severe punishments for this behavior with our kids, I still have one kid who resorts to hitting first thing out of the box when he is really angry. Physicality is a fundamental way he has dealt with things from the time he was little; when the fight or flight response is triggered it’s almost always fight with him. Example, when he was little and we would act like a monster and come after him, almost always instead of running away (like most kids would do) he would come after you. So, while this is behavior I know that has got to change over time (the nurture part), when you are up against a fundamental trait within a kid (nature), it is really much harder to change behavior than one thinks.

On the other end of the spectrum are behaviors that you wish you could have your way on but that really aren’t worth fighting over (although we still do), e.g., I want the boys to wear heavier coats outside when it is cold, but they insist on wearing jackets. Not a moral issue really; social acceptability is mixed: on the kid side of things – needing a coat is clearly for wimps, while for parents, not having child wear a coat means you are a bad parent (see kids are not the only ones who deal with peer pressure); not really ever a health issue here in Kentucky although I could pretend it is; but clearly annoying to me that they won’t just bundle up because I say so. So what do I do? Most days I let them choose what coat to wear and let them deal with the consequences. (Don’t come whining to me if you freeze!)

Other behaviors are more difficult to sort out. One current one for me: attitude and follow through on doing chores – particularly the dishes and laundry. Neither boy likes doing chores of course, but they are also both in varying degrees like their dad (the nature part of nature vs nurture). They really just do not like to think about the mundane workings of everyday life. Thus, getting them to complete any household chore and do the job well is at best vexing, and at worst a major meltdown. To get the job done and done right, I find myself becoming like a marine drill sergeant during the first days of boot camp. But having lived with the boys’ father now for 16 years, I think I have accepted that the behavior around chores is an area where I can curb behavior but I am also going to have to adjust my expectations. None of the men in my household really care as much about loading the dishwasher correctly as I do. Or sorting and folding socks and towels. And the list could go on.

I have so many other examples I could give of where a microcosm of debate over nature vs nurture can be observed in my very own household. At the end of all this, what I have concluded is that changing human behavior is really hard to do and requires much more concentration and focus than most of us have in us. So you really have to pick and choose your battles as a parent. Where I can live and let live, I just need to not sweat the small stuff. I can work on curbing the more annoying behaviors my kids exhibit everyday but, if there is really something hugely problematic where complete change is needed, I have to really be dedicated to seeing it through over the long haul.

What do you think? How much of behavior is environment or genetically determined? I know it is both, but I am still struggling to understand where the limits of each are in my everyday life as a parent.